This is who I am

[sandidune]

Retaining your identity can be a struggle with children - you are their mother and that's it!
Understandably, our children just see us as their mother and unless they are shown otherwise, they can't even imagine us as being children. I made a point of sitting my son down and showing him all the pictures I'd collected through the years (most of which he laughed at!)
It took him a while to get his head around the family thing - sisters, brothers, cousins,grandparents. But he did take on board that I was someone's grandaughter,daughter,sister,niece,wife,friend. I think he appreciates that there are more elements to me than he first thought and he is showing a healthy interest in my past.
The identity thingy can be present in your relationship with your hubbie/wife/partner, and I think giving personal space and appreciation for who/what they were before you came into their lives is important.
My hubbie is quite well known where we live, and many years ago I remarked that no-one even knew my name - I was known as Gerry's wife - I got involved in the community (heavily) and for a while, he became known as Barbara's husband.
The feeling of loosing your identity can be most felt if you give up work to be a stay at home mother - you can feel as if you are no longer a valuable asset or much less appreciated for all the work you do. Give yourself space - get involved - step out of the box. You will always be someone's wife,mother,daughter etc. Keep in touch with work colleagues, friends and make time for yourself.
Inside, we all know who we are on the inside - just show other people.

Does anyone have a cure for talking too much! lol

[joanne]

Love all your chatting Barbara - what you have to say is so interesting !!!

Have to agree - identity is such an important part of who we all are - and thats why as you found out - labels can be so limiting ! To be seen only in the context of someone else or only as a 'parent' - is almost to make someone feel invisible !!

Allowing ourselves to be all that we can be - will enhance the relationship we have with ourselves and the relationship we have with our children.

Remember we can only bring our children to the same level of awareness that we have reached ourselves !!

And Keep the chat going............... ;D ;D ;D

[behanfamily]

Thanks Barbara for sharing your story and advice.

I agree that keeping your identity as a person and also as a couple instead of just Charlotte and Jacks mum and dad.

I am lucky that my family only live 10 minutes walk away so every Thursday we have a girly night out - my mum, sister and I go to the pub for a drink and live entertainment which is a nice break.

Hubby and I also try and go out once a week / fortnight together as a couple so we dont loose who we are - its lovely to be able to hold hands without a pram to push.

I hope that doesnt sound selfish but its important. We made the mistake when Charlotte was born and were so wrapped up in the new baby we neglected each other and problems started to occur.

Im happy to say that now we are in love as much as we were when we first met because we make time for each other.

As an individual I like to craft! and thats how I met the lovely Joanne throu a crafty forum. I started making cards when Charlotte was about 10 months old.

Its gives me time to myself to unwind, and its something I enjoy.

Dont feel guilty about having interests that dont involve the children, and dont feel guilty in spending time apart from them. They need space too you know!

[joanne]

That is a great idea Rachel - going out once a week / forthnight with Hubby ! After all your relationship forms the foundation stone of the family - without that families can fall apart - which I have seen happen too often. And as you found out - relationships take time and work - nothing selfish about that !! I would call it making a 'good investment' into you family.

Like you I have to say that crafting is a life saver to me !!! I started making cards years ago - but found it impossible to find embellishments etc. Until a friend showed me what scrapbooking was about 2 years ago - and I was hooked !! But didn't start seriously until a year a half ago - now I just couldn't imagine my life without paper, ribbon and buttons !!!! And also because I get time to myself - I find that the time I spend with my kids is so much better - less frustrating!!!

[workingmum22]

Not sure if I can complete this section yet, as my life seems to have changed so much in the last year. I used to be very sporty but that has all come to an end as I find it so hard to get out during the day or night to exercise classes.

Also the fact that we were waiting so long for this baby, meant that our independent lifestyle has come to a definite halt. Still I know that with time we will get back to do some of the stuff we loved to do - like going out for meals, going for long walks, travel etc - I hope!!
Is that what you all found too?

[behanfamily]

hiya workingmum - I had a lot of problems conceiving my DD, it took us two years and we were due to start IVF so any social life went out of the window before expecting and after her birth, as we were so wrapped up with it all.

After a couple of years we started to fall apart in our relationship and we were just mum and dad, but thanks to help we got back what we lost. We make "dates", arrange a babysitter and toddle off out - easy I know when babysitters close to hand. We both look forward to getting dressed up and spending time together as a couple.

Walking is good for all of you - we love it at the weekend to all go out as a family, wrap the kids up warm and explore - even if its just to the park.

Its no secret your life changes when children are around but I feel for the better.

As for travel - theres no real reason (apart from finacially) why you cant take holidays - we are due to fly to Tenerife in a couple of weeks if we get off (had to cancel our last holiday due to illness but thats another story)

You say you were sporty, is there a gym that offer creche facilities near by? I do lots of walking but thats about as much sport I get these days. If someone could mind your DS you could jog for an hour or whatever you like. Its just finding the balance - things shouldnt stop totally because your a mum.

[workingmum22]

Thanks Rachel for all your positive suggestions - you make it sound so easy !! Yes we did think of taking a trip for a week to the sun but then a friend of mine is just back from the Canaries - and who spent most of the time at the Doctors as her two kids got very sick there !!

I think its all the hassle that I am trying to avoid - I mean having a sick kid on a holiday is a nightmare not a break !! Of course we could go without him - but then I would miss the baby too much ! I suppose I feel a little overwhelmed with all the decisions that have to be made. It was so easy before - just book, pack and go !!!

[behanfamily]

Hiya glad I could sorta help. My DD is 6 this year so suppose Im kinda getting use to the new routines and lifestyle, and Im a lot more chilled with my DS this time around.

Can understand your anxieties, holidays wont be chilled for a long time to come, but we like to go away to get away from the normal routine of washing, cooking, cleaning etc.

Why not try just a night away with your OH at first, doesnt have to be far away incase of emergancies if youve feel happier, but would be nice to have a break, go out and spend some time as a couple and have a lie in ~wink~.

It does get easier trust me x

[workingmum22]

Working away at it Rachel. It takes a bit of planning but it certainly feels that it is getting easier. ;D

[noreenc]

Delighted you are workingmum and it really does get easier with time ;D

[behanfamily]

workingmum22 said:

Working away at it Rachel. It takes a bit of planning but it certainly feels that it is getting easier. ;D

if you feel its getting easier then thats good, and yes it does get easier and much more fun!